What's changing is the way we get there By Ron Sukenick

There is a fundamental desire in all of us to be in relationship, and to develop relationships that flourish. We stressed that the desire for building deeper relationships is a basic human need found in all of us.
This desire is a subject that is more popular today then any other time in history. There are hundreds of books written on relationships.
Television shows talk about it. Individuals talk about it. Counselors, therapists, and success coaches talk about it. In spite of the interest and awareness, and an almost over abundance of information regarding relationship, this greatest of all desires is largely unfulfilled.
How can that be? Perhaps with all this information, we are still uncertain or confused as to the vital factors that contribute to deepening relationship satisfaction.
The 5 R's of Relationship

Choosing and deepening relationships are interrelated. At each point in your relationship's, you and those to whom you relate may choose either to develop or not to develop your relationships further.
How do we make that choice? Of course, there are many ways. One person described her experience as jumping belly first into the water. For me, it's like going into a swimming pool and testing the water first;
Gingerly testing the water with toes, feet, and then slowly edging into the water. I temper my approach into the water with caution depending on whether it is a warm day in June versus a hot day in July. If the sun is shining or if it is overcast, we may approach the water differently.
The same is true in relationship. We continuously feel our way along in the meeting with another. We test the temperature, gauging the mutuality and connection, and then step back to assess how it feels for us, and whether the other person or persons have a reciprocal response. A multitude of factors in our environment are considered in going forward. Sometimes, no holds barred, we jump right in!
We offer the following five R's to throw into the mix of discussion around this very critical topic: Rewardingness, Reciprocity, Rules, Resourceful, and Relationshift.
Rewardingness

Webster defines rewarding as a sense of reward or worthwhile return. We are building on this definition by defining rewardingness as an ongoing exchange and flow based on mutual benefit for all. This exchange may be in providing services or products, or sharing learning, contacts, or resources.
There exists a fundamental psychological principle that people are more likely to repeat behaviors that have rewarding consequences for them than those that do not. Relationships are likely to deepen if partners can increase the range and depth of the mutual rewards they receive from one another, and if they are able to sustain a high level of mutual trust and benefits.
The Relationship provides joyful experiences along the way that evoke from us and from others. This is a reward in of itself.
Phil Black, a student, writer, and teacher of Gestalt Psychotherapy poses the rhetorical question "when all goals are close to equal, what determines who we remain in relationship with towards these outcomes, whether it is business or pleasure? It is the relationship itself that determines this decision-the ease and the pleasure derived. In the end, there must be joy: a laugh, a smile, or we will not find satisfaction, and we will not stay with or return to. We capture his remark and say yes, it is the reward of the relationship that keep us involved.
?

Reciprocity - Rules - Resourcefulness - Relationshift

Webster defines reciprocity as a corresponding and complementary exchange; the quality or state of being reciprocal. Through mutual dependence, action or influence, a mutual exchange of privileges takes place. This definition fits well with the underlying intention that is inherent to a relationship focus. Most long standing relationships are grounded in some form of reciprocity in the giving and receiving of rewards. Cunningham and Antill (1981) observe "It is indisputable that most human relationships are based on considerations of equity and exchange." Sharing this view of reciprocity as a joint responsibility enhances and deepens the relationship and the connection. Most of us are familiar with the barter system as it relates to goods or services, but few of us think of it in terms of relationship building.
Rules are defined by Webster's New World Dictionary as an established regulation or guide for conduct. The definition for the purpose of this book is to reinforce that each of us brings rules to the relationship based on many personal factors and that rules also emerge in relationship. The personal factors, to name a few, may include personality characteristics, boundary preferences, time availability or urgency, level of experience, geographical or global factors, comfort level, life focus, or monetary needs/constraints. The rules that emerge in relationship are based on the reason for the relationship, the length of the relationship, the level of established trust, and the degree of confidence that exists. Rules constantly change as the relationship changes. While the rules may become formal or contractual, they are often informal. These relationship rules provide guidelines and clarify expectations for your own and your partner's behavior. Remembering to look at these rules from time to time helps us to uncover whether the relationship rule continues to serve us well, or whether suspending or replacing it would serve the relationship better.
Webster defines resource as a source of information or expertise; a source of supply or support. resourcefulness is the ability to effectively and efficiently respond to problems and determine the resources that are important (people, technology, material, services, time, et cetera.) Resourcefully responding to the need in the moment, calls for attention to ongoing reemerging needs. This constant reevaluation helps us answer the question what is needed now; and the ongoing accumulation of knowledge, skills, and a large network of contacts helps us become more resourceful in relationship.
The spirit of the word relationshift is that a relationship never really ends; it simply flows to something else--a relationshift, becoming relevant again when time, opportunity and a mutual focus reemerges. An Oxford dictionary points to the word relevance derived from the French word relief as to lift up, to relieve. Oxford offers the synonyms aiding, assisting and helping. Webster's definition is as relating to the matter under consideration; pertinence. We bring these two words together-relevance and relationship, and further expand the definition to consider the questions who, why, when, where, and how. We have changing needs and we need to ask a host of questions as we go forward in relationship.
Paying attention to relevance in a given situation will keep us on target toward developing that which aligns to what is most important to self, and most important to the other as well. In short, relevance is constantly changing. That is the very reason attention to the shift taking place in relationship is important. While the relevance of the relationship is changing in the present, it is also imperative for all of us to understand that relationships, as a whole, always have been and always will be shifting! A collaboration may end now, but may come back again twenty years from now. Relevance emerges, if you will, around a common goal. Developing a meaningful and quality relationship is the lifeblood of taking your personal and professional relationships to the next level--lifting up and helping others along the way. When we look at a relationship with these eyes, we see that we can easily pick up again as we move forward in our personal and professional life.
The process of recognizing the transformation of a relationship to something else is one of the most liberating realizations an individual can experience- freeing self up to letting go and moving on while recreating a relationship vision with the same person. In one's personal and professional life this allows for a natural transformation of relationship.
?

Summary

The five relationship factors presented in this excerpt are foundational to taking your personal and professional relationships to the next level. The 5 R's, rewardingness, reciprocity, rules, resourcefulness, and relationshift, support a relationship focus whereby new possibilities are continuously created.
Each of these factors describes a context for the existence, the fluidity, the vitality, and the richness of the relationship to emerge and flourish. The 5 R's reinforce the importance of paying attention to the relationship based on benefits, common interests, resource identification, expectations, requirements, and mutuality.

reade more... Résuméabuiyad

The world of relationship is like a Kaleidoscope By Ron Sukenick

When we fundamentally understand that we have a multitude of considerations that impact how we are in relationship, our view of change and the importance of change is magnified.

Let?s take a few minutes and communicate about relationships and change. When you were a youngster, did you enjoy looking into a Kaleidoscope?

Were you amazed at the infinite varieties of colors and patterns that evolved as it turned in your hand? Did you ever turn it so quickly that you did not have a chance to fully appreciate what you were watching because things were changing so quickly in the little viewer?

The changes in the viewer pale in comparison to the changes experienced in the last decade--and the changes we will experience in the years to come.

There was very little to think about when turning that little Kaleidoscope: just look and enjoy. If you view the world of relationship as a Kaleidoscope, you will see change. Rather than standing there mesmerized or memorizing the colors and patterns as if you can keep things the same, imagine what it might be like to be the colors.

For openers, think about every second of your life, every minute, every day, being different from the preceding second, minute, or day. No two interactions or opportunities are the same, just as the patterns in the Kaleidoscope are never the same. Changes are inevitable--in behavior, in life patterns, in your knowledge base, in your habits, and in your relationships. We are not the same person we were even moments ago. People change. Look around you. Are there new people in your life that were not there a month ago, six months ago, last year? Get to know people around you, and get involved with them. Don?t just observe the changes passively, as if you are looking into a viewer. Be a part of them. Get to know people you come into contact with, what they do, what makes them tick. Become interested in them and how you can help them. They?ll do the same for you and you?ll enjoy life more.

Technology changes. Are you still using the same equipment as one, two, five years ago? Not very likely. And the equipment you are now using will become obsolete in the near future. Further more, staying abreast of the technological changes and discussing preferred communication tools with your partner is key in developing a collaborative relationship. Leadership techniques change. When was the last time you picked up and read a management book for insight about new management and leadership practices?

An understanding of the changing needs of today?s workforce (that?s all of us!) will help you be more progressive and able to meet and partner with others within or outside your organization.

Economic factors, urgency, people?s values, technology, and relationship management: all changing everyday, truly a Kaleidoscope. You can become a part of the Kaleidoscope--get inside the viewer--and be the one who determines the next pattern, if you make up your mind to.

reade more... Résuméabuiyad

Declare your Interdependence and Cooperation By Ron Sukenick

Known to the wise, Abraham, Buddha, Confucius, and Jesus understood the underlying connectedness of all humanity. Their admonitions to us contain high awareness of our human interdependence.
Timothy Wilken

So when you think about it, you start to discover that all accomplishment, all achievement, all success, all progress that we as human beings have experienced is a result of our interdependence with others! A tremendous amount of support surrounds us in all areas of our lives; our families, our friends, our business colleagues, our partnerships, our educators, our children, our community, our state, our country, our world are visible support structures.

While the list of this interdependent support goes on, as individuals we often fail to realize that independence is a direct result of our interdependence and cooperation with others. We cannot truly become independent without the help of others!

How do we achieve independence? We must learn to ask for this help!

Independence is achieved through interdependent associations when people are united together to support each other: mentoring, coaching, sharing resources and referrals, working together toward common objectives, and helping in numerous ways. There are endless examples of how our interdependence affects each of us every day. While for many of us there is a higher force providing invisible support, allow me to go ahead and provide examples of invisible support from our everyday environment.

Before we wake up in the morning, there?s someone at the electric company making sure our lights will go on when we flip the switch. The water company pumps and stores water waiting for our beckoning call at the faucet. Farmers and truckers are growing and transporting food products to our local grocer who in turn, makes these products available to our community, our families and to us. Oil companies are drilling oil from around the world and shipping the oil to our neighborhoods allowing us the freedom to drive our cars when and where we choose.

There are countless more examples that demonstrate that almost every action we take throughout our day has visible and invisible support structures of interdependent relationships.

One of the central features of relationships then is our awareness of interdependence. We move from seeing ourselves as separate from one another, to seeing ourselves as connected and interdependent with one another.

Interdependence?.Dependence?.Independence?..Interdependence

A process of interdependence allows us, as individuals to be STRONG enough to be dependent when new behaviors, new skills, and new learning are required. When we are able to do this in an interdependent world, we move toward independence and self-reliance.

When interdependent behavior is high, individuals are making connections continuously, providing help and asking for help. Individuals are connecting others to others?and therefore strengthening connections in a web of relationship that far exceeds you and me.

When independent behavior is high, individuals are focusing on their individual success and are more apt to be self sufficient and self-reliant. Overly independent, individuals may not make the connections they need to continue to grow personally and professionally or to contribute to the success of others.

When interdependence is practiced and embraced, independence is a natural product. Individuals are able to get needed support and better move in relationship with the world. Recognizing that there is a time for dependence allows us to move to full potential by first suspending our independence. For many of us, this is a very vulnerable place. Becoming vulnerable in all aspects of our lives will help us ask for the help we need, and to better move easily in and out of relationship as we develop new and untested processes.

Fostering an interdependent environment creates an incredible web of support that is transformative to one?s life and to the world!

Interdependence Unleashed

Consider this three-part process that moves us more deeply into strengthening interdependent relationships.

Cooperative relating is the integration of independence and cooperation.
Mutual dependence takes place when we embrace this in our thinking and interactions: I need you and you need me. We act or work together, cooperating to achieve what both parties need/want. We own collectively, and share in the risks and the benefits, or experience the joy of helping another reach another level. In a truly cooperative relationship, this basic dynamic is extended repeatedly. Cooperative partners bring to light what is possible together.
Fostering an interdependent environment creates an incredible web of support that is transformative!
Summary

This strategy helps reinforce the awareness that we do not come to any situation alone. We never have, and we never will. Visible and invisible support systems are all around us. We help others and we are helped by others. Understanding this, we are better able to look at each other in a way that is relational, experience joy and satisfaction, identify what we need in a given situation, and better help and support another. We see how our interdependence strengthens the ability to be independent. Interdependence ultimately results in liberation: the ability to be self sufficient, and to contribute to the world. The next strategy will help you focus your attention and intention on purposeful listening with heart and mind.

This month?s "Thinking Point" for connecting forward: What support do you currently need to move you toward achieving the objective you have set for yourself?

reade more... Résuméabuiyad

Declare your Interdependence and Cooperation By Ron Sukenick

Known to the wise, Abraham, Buddha, Confucius, and Jesus understood the underlying connectedness of all humanity. Their admonitions to us contain high awareness of our human interdependence.
Timothy Wilken

So when you think about it, you start to discover that all accomplishment, all achievement, all success, all progress that we as human beings have experienced is a result of our interdependence with others! A tremendous amount of support surrounds us in all areas of our lives; our families, our friends, our business colleagues, our partnerships, our educators, our children, our community, our state, our country, our world are visible support structures.

While the list of this interdependent support goes on, as individuals we often fail to realize that independence is a direct result of our interdependence and cooperation with others. We cannot truly become independent without the help of others!

How do we achieve independence? We must learn to ask for this help!

Independence is achieved through interdependent associations when people are united together to support each other: mentoring, coaching, sharing resources and referrals, working together toward common objectives, and helping in numerous ways. There are endless examples of how our interdependence affects each of us every day. While for many of us there is a higher force providing invisible support, allow me to go ahead and provide examples of invisible support from our everyday environment.

Before we wake up in the morning, there?s someone at the electric company making sure our lights will go on when we flip the switch. The water company pumps and stores water waiting for our beckoning call at the faucet. Farmers and truckers are growing and transporting food products to our local grocer who in turn, makes these products available to our community, our families and to us. Oil companies are drilling oil from around the world and shipping the oil to our neighborhoods allowing us the freedom to drive our cars when and where we choose.

There are countless more examples that demonstrate that almost every action we take throughout our day has visible and invisible support structures of interdependent relationships.

One of the central features of relationships then is our awareness of interdependence. We move from seeing ourselves as separate from one another, to seeing ourselves as connected and interdependent with one another.

Interdependence?.Dependence?.Independence?..Interdependence

A process of interdependence allows us, as individuals to be STRONG enough to be dependent when new behaviors, new skills, and new learning are required. When we are able to do this in an interdependent world, we move toward independence and self-reliance.

When interdependent behavior is high, individuals are making connections continuously, providing help and asking for help. Individuals are connecting others to others?and therefore strengthening connections in a web of relationship that far exceeds you and me.

When independent behavior is high, individuals are focusing on their individual success and are more apt to be self sufficient and self-reliant. Overly independent, individuals may not make the connections they need to continue to grow personally and professionally or to contribute to the success of others.

When interdependence is practiced and embraced, independence is a natural product. Individuals are able to get needed support and better move in relationship with the world. Recognizing that there is a time for dependence allows us to move to full potential by first suspending our independence. For many of us, this is a very vulnerable place. Becoming vulnerable in all aspects of our lives will help us ask for the help we need, and to better move easily in and out of relationship as we develop new and untested processes.

Fostering an interdependent environment creates an incredible web of support that is transformative to one?s life and to the world!

Interdependence Unleashed

Consider this three-part process that moves us more deeply into strengthening interdependent relationships.

Cooperative relating is the integration of independence and cooperation.
Mutual dependence takes place when we embrace this in our thinking and interactions: I need you and you need me. We act or work together, cooperating to achieve what both parties need/want. We own collectively, and share in the risks and the benefits, or experience the joy of helping another reach another level. In a truly cooperative relationship, this basic dynamic is extended repeatedly. Cooperative partners bring to light what is possible together.
Fostering an interdependent environment creates an incredible web of support that is transformative!
Summary

This strategy helps reinforce the awareness that we do not come to any situation alone. We never have, and we never will. Visible and invisible support systems are all around us. We help others and we are helped by others. Understanding this, we are better able to look at each other in a way that is relational, experience joy and satisfaction, identify what we need in a given situation, and better help and support another. We see how our interdependence strengthens the ability to be independent. Interdependence ultimately results in liberation: the ability to be self sufficient, and to contribute to the world. The next strategy will help you focus your attention and intention on purposeful listening with heart and mind.

This month?s "Thinking Point" for connecting forward: What support do you currently need to move you toward achieving the objective you have set for yourself?

reade more... Résuméabuiyad

What's changing is the way we get there By Ron Sukenick

There is a fundamental desire in all of us to be in relationship, and to develop relationships that flourish. We stressed that the desire for building deeper relationships is a basic human need found in all of us.
This desire is a subject that is more popular today then any other time in history. There are hundreds of books written on relationships.
Television shows talk about it. Individuals talk about it. Counselors, therapists, and success coaches talk about it. In spite of the interest and awareness, and an almost over abundance of information regarding relationship, this greatest of all desires is largely unfulfilled.
How can that be? Perhaps with all this information, we are still uncertain or confused as to the vital factors that contribute to deepening relationship satisfaction.
The 5 R's of Relationship

Choosing and deepening relationships are interrelated. At each point in your relationship's, you and those to whom you relate may choose either to develop or not to develop your relationships further.
How do we make that choice? Of course, there are many ways. One person described her experience as jumping belly first into the water. For me, it's like going into a swimming pool and testing the water first;
Gingerly testing the water with toes, feet, and then slowly edging into the water. I temper my approach into the water with caution depending on whether it is a warm day in June versus a hot day in July. If the sun is shining or if it is overcast, we may approach the water differently.
The same is true in relationship. We continuously feel our way along in the meeting with another. We test the temperature, gauging the mutuality and connection, and then step back to assess how it feels for us, and whether the other person or persons have a reciprocal response. A multitude of factors in our environment are considered in going forward. Sometimes, no holds barred, we jump right in!
We offer the following five R's to throw into the mix of discussion around this very critical topic: Rewardingness, Reciprocity, Rules, Resourceful, and Relationshift.
Rewardingness

Webster defines rewarding as a sense of reward or worthwhile return. We are building on this definition by defining rewardingness as an ongoing exchange and flow based on mutual benefit for all. This exchange may be in providing services or products, or sharing learning, contacts, or resources.
There exists a fundamental psychological principle that people are more likely to repeat behaviors that have rewarding consequences for them than those that do not. Relationships are likely to deepen if partners can increase the range and depth of the mutual rewards they receive from one another, and if they are able to sustain a high level of mutual trust and benefits.
The Relationship provides joyful experiences along the way that evoke from us and from others. This is a reward in of itself.
Phil Black, a student, writer, and teacher of Gestalt Psychotherapy poses the rhetorical question "when all goals are close to equal, what determines who we remain in relationship with towards these outcomes, whether it is business or pleasure? It is the relationship itself that determines this decision-the ease and the pleasure derived. In the end, there must be joy: a laugh, a smile, or we will not find satisfaction, and we will not stay with or return to. We capture his remark and say yes, it is the reward of the relationship that keep us involved.
?

Reciprocity - Rules - Resourcefulness - Relationshift

Webster defines reciprocity as a corresponding and complementary exchange; the quality or state of being reciprocal. Through mutual dependence, action or influence, a mutual exchange of privileges takes place. This definition fits well with the underlying intention that is inherent to a relationship focus. Most long standing relationships are grounded in some form of reciprocity in the giving and receiving of rewards. Cunningham and Antill (1981) observe "It is indisputable that most human relationships are based on considerations of equity and exchange." Sharing this view of reciprocity as a joint responsibility enhances and deepens the relationship and the connection. Most of us are familiar with the barter system as it relates to goods or services, but few of us think of it in terms of relationship building.
Rules are defined by Webster's New World Dictionary as an established regulation or guide for conduct. The definition for the purpose of this book is to reinforce that each of us brings rules to the relationship based on many personal factors and that rules also emerge in relationship. The personal factors, to name a few, may include personality characteristics, boundary preferences, time availability or urgency, level of experience, geographical or global factors, comfort level, life focus, or monetary needs/constraints. The rules that emerge in relationship are based on the reason for the relationship, the length of the relationship, the level of established trust, and the degree of confidence that exists. Rules constantly change as the relationship changes. While the rules may become formal or contractual, they are often informal. These relationship rules provide guidelines and clarify expectations for your own and your partner's behavior. Remembering to look at these rules from time to time helps us to uncover whether the relationship rule continues to serve us well, or whether suspending or replacing it would serve the relationship better.
Webster defines resource as a source of information or expertise; a source of supply or support. resourcefulness is the ability to effectively and efficiently respond to problems and determine the resources that are important (people, technology, material, services, time, et cetera.) Resourcefully responding to the need in the moment, calls for attention to ongoing reemerging needs. This constant reevaluation helps us answer the question what is needed now; and the ongoing accumulation of knowledge, skills, and a large network of contacts helps us become more resourceful in relationship.
The spirit of the word relationshift is that a relationship never really ends; it simply flows to something else--a relationshift, becoming relevant again when time, opportunity and a mutual focus reemerges. An Oxford dictionary points to the word relevance derived from the French word relief as to lift up, to relieve. Oxford offers the synonyms aiding, assisting and helping. Webster's definition is as relating to the matter under consideration; pertinence. We bring these two words together-relevance and relationship, and further expand the definition to consider the questions who, why, when, where, and how. We have changing needs and we need to ask a host of questions as we go forward in relationship.
Paying attention to relevance in a given situation will keep us on target toward developing that which aligns to what is most important to self, and most important to the other as well. In short, relevance is constantly changing. That is the very reason attention to the shift taking place in relationship is important. While the relevance of the relationship is changing in the present, it is also imperative for all of us to understand that relationships, as a whole, always have been and always will be shifting! A collaboration may end now, but may come back again twenty years from now. Relevance emerges, if you will, around a common goal. Developing a meaningful and quality relationship is the lifeblood of taking your personal and professional relationships to the next level--lifting up and helping others along the way. When we look at a relationship with these eyes, we see that we can easily pick up again as we move forward in our personal and professional life.
The process of recognizing the transformation of a relationship to something else is one of the most liberating realizations an individual can experience- freeing self up to letting go and moving on while recreating a relationship vision with the same person. In one's personal and professional life this allows for a natural transformation of relationship.
?

Summary

The five relationship factors presented in this excerpt are foundational to taking your personal and professional relationships to the next level. The 5 R's, rewardingness, reciprocity, rules, resourcefulness, and relationshift, support a relationship focus whereby new possibilities are continuously created.
Each of these factors describes a context for the existence, the fluidity, the vitality, and the richness of the relationship to emerge and flourish. The 5 R's reinforce the importance of paying attention to the relationship based on benefits, common interests, resource identification, expectations, requirements, and mutuality.

reade more... Résuméabuiyad

The world of relationship is like a Kaleidoscope By Ron Sukenick

When we fundamentally understand that we have a multitude of considerations that impact how we are in relationship, our view of change and the importance of change is magnified.

Let?s take a few minutes and communicate about relationships and change. When you were a youngster, did you enjoy looking into a Kaleidoscope?

Were you amazed at the infinite varieties of colors and patterns that evolved as it turned in your hand? Did you ever turn it so quickly that you did not have a chance to fully appreciate what you were watching because things were changing so quickly in the little viewer?

The changes in the viewer pale in comparison to the changes experienced in the last decade--and the changes we will experience in the years to come.

There was very little to think about when turning that little Kaleidoscope: just look and enjoy. If you view the world of relationship as a Kaleidoscope, you will see change. Rather than standing there mesmerized or memorizing the colors and patterns as if you can keep things the same, imagine what it might be like to be the colors.

For openers, think about every second of your life, every minute, every day, being different from the preceding second, minute, or day. No two interactions or opportunities are the same, just as the patterns in the Kaleidoscope are never the same. Changes are inevitable--in behavior, in life patterns, in your knowledge base, in your habits, and in your relationships. We are not the same person we were even moments ago. People change. Look around you. Are there new people in your life that were not there a month ago, six months ago, last year? Get to know people around you, and get involved with them. Don?t just observe the changes passively, as if you are looking into a viewer. Be a part of them. Get to know people you come into contact with, what they do, what makes them tick. Become interested in them and how you can help them. They?ll do the same for you and you?ll enjoy life more.

Technology changes. Are you still using the same equipment as one, two, five years ago? Not very likely. And the equipment you are now using will become obsolete in the near future. Further more, staying abreast of the technological changes and discussing preferred communication tools with your partner is key in developing a collaborative relationship. Leadership techniques change. When was the last time you picked up and read a management book for insight about new management and leadership practices?

An understanding of the changing needs of today?s workforce (that?s all of us!) will help you be more progressive and able to meet and partner with others within or outside your organization.

Economic factors, urgency, people?s values, technology, and relationship management: all changing everyday, truly a Kaleidoscope. You can become a part of the Kaleidoscope--get inside the viewer--and be the one who determines the next pattern, if you make up your mind to.

reade more... Résuméabuiyad